I know. I know. I bitched pretty much all of January about how much I hate painting flowers and here I am painting flowers. The difference this time is that I felt really inspired to create this painting. Last month I was forcing myself to paint because I didn’t want to fail at some arbitrary goal I had set for myself. It was forced painting and not particularly inspired. Hence the difficulties.
This painting is a design I’m working on for a tattoo I would like to get. I’ve been feeling the weight of the world lately and I would like to do something for myself. I’ve really enjoyed working on this design this last week and it’s giving me something positive to look forward to that I’ve wanted to do for a very long time.
It has been brought to my attention I’ve been willfully ignorant to certain aspects of my life for a long time. Nothing was really hidden from me, but I didn’t want to see, didn’t want to deal. My eyes have been opened now and I can’t go back to not knowing. This awakening has me spinning. I’m going back over all of my memories and trying to figure out what is real, and what simply wanted to believe. It’s a real mind fuck to all of the sudden question my entire life, all of my memories. To see things more clearly in hindsight and wonder how I could be so nieve and selfish.
All of the sudden, everyone I thought I knew is different. Their words and actions all have new meanings and I feel so utterly alone. Something I would have bet my life on, given my life for, is just a fickle shadow of what I thought it was. But I have myself. I have to be strong for myself and for my kids.
On top of this midlife crisis, my anxiety has been bad. I am constantly worried about people and pets dying. I dream about my loved ones dying more often than not and am continuously unsettled by it. It is all too real. Anyone could die at any moment for any reason. I worry about it constantly.
Sorry if this post isn’t what you were wanting, but it is my reality and the reality is that I’m struggling right now and have been for a while. Art isn’t created in a vacuum. If it was, it wouldn’t be compelling. I know a lot of other people, artists or not, struggle with depression and anxiety and I’m not going to put on a brave face and pretend I’m not one of them. Life is hard, but it’s easier together.
Sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and express yourself through what you’re experiencing.
I’m working through it. Some days are just harder than others. I think I just need to talk about it and be more open.
I don’t fully understand what you struggle with but I support you and hope that things get easier and thank you for sharing both your art and your struggles, they are both beautiful in their own ways.
Thank you Laci. Your support means a lot to me.